I’ve never been the type of person to worry about my weight, or what I looked like, or dressed like. As long as I was healthy and comfortable, it didn’t really matter much to me…

I’ve lost “weight” since I’ve been away travelling. I can’t remember how much I weighed when I left home, but I remember thinking I’d lost about a stone whilst travelling (6kg). I weighed myself (in office clothes and probably steel toe cap boots on) in August 2021 and weighed about 63kg (9st 13lb). I had to get weighed for my Divemaster medical in February 2022 and (clothed) I was 64.7kg. Like I said, don’t know don’t care about that number and I’m sure I’d gotten stronger during that time because I was training for my Divemaster course. A higher number was not synonymous with “worse”.

Anyway, fast forward three months and I’ve suddenly lost 6kg. I weighed myself because my waist is smaller than it’s ever been. I don’t recognise my figure in the mirror. I don’t hate it, but I’m not sure I love it either. And yet, I’m reluctant to put the weight “back on”. Our toxic society promotes and idolises skinniness, weight loss and “dropping a dress size”. It doesn’t promote “Well done – you got heavier because you built muscle mass!”. Nor does it promote “Your size doesn’t determine your self-worth!”. But for the first time in my life, it feels like my image could be mistaken for my “value”. As I said, many people would say that weightloss it is “good”.

Sidenote: I had an unbelievable experience when I went to the Doctor’s about some unexplained, not-sure-if-it’s-a-problem weightloss when I was 20. The female Doctor told me that “Most women would love to be able to lose weight without trying.” … Thanks?? So I should just be grateful, and I shouldn’t be concerned about my health? OK, thank you DOCTOR.

Anyway, people had never really commented on my weight before, or maybe they had and I hadn’t thought anything of it. But I’ve had a couple of noticeable comments about my weight recently from people who I don’t really know, and some from people who I do know. The ones who I don’t know that well said I look “good” and “slim”. The ones I do know express concern over the fact that I haven’t been eating much and have lost so much weight.

So. “Good.” Do I feel good? No, not really. I don’t feel good because the accidental loss of one stone/6kg in weight has probably 1000% been because of stress. Of being too stressed and too busy to eat in Adelaide, of not even having an appetite. Of not wanting to get up, and so not having time for breakfast, not bringing anything for lunch… Anyway, Adelaide is a WHOLE different story… Since being at home…

Since being back at home, life has been tumultuous. I can’t quite remember the last time I had three meals in a day. Maybe a couple of weeks ago, around mid April. Over the past four weeks, I don’t think I ate anything for eight (non-consecutive) days. I’d wake up feeling anxious and nauseous, unable to eat. The not-eating made me feel sick, and worse, and even less able to eat. I was saved by Huel, a “complete liquid meal” for a couple of days. How I did two scuba dives in 7⁰C water and then drive three hours home on just a shake I don’t know. But hey, I did it, regardless of what I’d eaten.

So, going back to appearance. Do I look good? Really? Is this what “looking good” looks like? What’s the cost? Emotional distress? What does it matter what you think I look like? But since I’ve become sensitive about it, it evidently does matter to me, if you’re going to make a comment.

Futhermore, it also doesn’t feel good because if my “slim” appearance or number on a scale is to be seen as achieving a “goal” (albeit someone else’s goal), what happens when I start eating properly again and I inevitably, hopefully, put the weight back on? Am I supposed to feel bad about myself? Should I be sad, disappointed? Of course not. But I got an email from a “wellbeing” app that had the title “Free ebook shows you how to rewire your brain to lose weight…”. Excuse me? Why send out a blanket email, which appears to be targeted towards women, suggesting that we all need to lose weight?? I sent an email back saying that it was inappropriate and apparently it’s actually about “loving your body whatever your size”. Yeah right, that’s why you’ve used such a click-baity title and have continued to send follow-up emails using the word “weight” instead of “love” or “confidence”. So disappointing.

It’s now nearly 3 weeks after I first started writing this post and I have become more comfortable with my “weight”. I let myself eat whatever I want if I feel hungry (thank you, sugar!) and don’t beat myself up about it if I’m too anxious to eat. I snapped at someone who prodded my waist and made a comment about me not eating much. It’s my body, not yours. It doesn’t need your judgements. Why are people so judgey? I like my body now because of what it can do, regardless of what it looks like. It can do physical work, it can walk me wherever I need to go, it can even ride a motorbike now.

I am not my size. I am not my appearance. I am not what you think of me, what you think I am, or what you think I should be instead.

I had never considered myself one of those females who felt pressured by appearance and to be honest it has been quite an uncomfortable shock experiencing how others may feel, perhaps every day, perhaps for years, about their appearance and people’s need to comment on it. All we should be saying is “Are you ok?”. If they are, then great, if not, then we can offer support, not judgement. I don’t know how society got this way but I think I finally have a glimpse of what it is to be judged for your looks. It’s not a great feeling.

I am intrigued what someone would say if my response to “You’re so skinny/lovely and slim” was “Actually I’ve been going through a difficult time and one of the impacts it’s had on my life is that I struggle to eat at the moment, hence the weight loss.” I assume the response would be something like “I wish I could lose weight/At least you look good”, so I probably wouldn’t tell them my troubles to only end up feeling worse and unheard 😂

Lots of love to everyone out there.

💖🙏